Learning to Stand :: Chapter Six ::
CHAPTER SIX
Three hours later
Wednesday early-morning
March 26 – 1:00 A.M. MDT
Denver, Colorado
Alex woke with a gasp. Her abdomen cramped and her mind flooded with images and emotions. In her sleep-induced stupor, she stumbled to the bathroom. She splashed water on her face to clear the nonsensical images. She startled when John spoke.
“What is it?” John asked. He was standing in the door. “It’s freezing, love. Come back to bed.”
He wrapped her in a blanket then guided her back to bed.
“Nightmare?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Your PTSD has…”
Next to the bed, a telephone rang. Rolling on his back, John reached for the phone.
“When was that installed?” Alex asked.
“Yesterday,” John said. “Shall I answer it? We don’t have an answerphone yet.”
“They’ll call back. What were you saying?”
“Your PTSD has been in remission for a while. Do you think you were triggered by your adventures?”
“Maybe,” Alex said. “I don’t remember having this kind of… experience.”
The phone stopped ringing then began ringing again.
“Sorry, love. I know you hate the phone. I wanted to make sure you could get me if… anything happened, you know? Shall I answer it?”
She nodded. He kissed her nose then picked up the phone.
“It’s Ben.”
John gave Alex the phone.
“Alex,” Ben said. “There’s been a kidnapping. The president asked for your help. He specifically requested ‘the Fey.’ Do you know the president?”
“Of course not.” In an attempt to get warm, she pulled the covers over her head. “The boys and I received the Presidential commendation last year. I mean Major Drayson did, not the Fey.”
“Well he’s asking for the Fey.”
“The Fey is on temporary duty. He won’t be back until sometime tomorrow.”
“Very funny,” Ben said. “We don’t have a choice here. The President of the United States requested our help in finding and rescuing his friend.”
“Who’s the friend?” she asked.
“Cee Cee Joiner,” they said in unison.
Fuck.
“No thanks.” She hung up the phone.
“What was that?” John asked.
“A nasty situation I don’t want to be involved in,” Alex said.
Rolling to her side, she stroked his naked chest. She slipped on top of him when the phone rang again. She kissed John’s lips. Moving, she kissed his neck. She continued working her way down his body with her lips until the phone was silent.
“It’s going to be okay,” John said when the phone started ringing again. “I’ll stay right here.”
John spooned around her and she answered the phone.
“Alexandra Hargreaves,” Ben said.
“I’m kind of busy here.”
“Get up. I’m sending the intel to your computer then I’m in the air. I’ll be there in a couple hours.”
“No,” Alex said. “No, not this time. No. Cee Cee Joiner. My plate is full. I’m supposed to put together this team and… Please Benji, no.”
Ben fell silent at her use of the name ‘Benji,’ her acknowledgement he was her father.
“You cannot refuse a presidential order,” Ben said. Switching to French, his voice was gentle. “You just can’t.”
She wasn’t sure how to respond.
“Raz has left for a briefing. It’s my expectation that you, and your men, will be ready to go. You have six hours.”
“Until what happens?”
“In six hours, you will need to function as a team.”
Alex’s hand flew to her mouth. Jogging to the bathroom, she managed to make the toilet before her anxious stomach voided its contents. She looked up when John gave her a wet washcloth.
“Thanks,” she said.
“Your hip is off,” he said. “I didn’t notice because…”
“You carried me in,” she said. She smiled. “That was fun.”
“You’re shivering. When do you have to…?”
“I have a couple hours,” she said.
“Come back to bed.”
He led her to the bed and layered down comforters over her.
“I have a cortisone shot in my bag.”
Knowing better than to argue, she rolled on her right side. Before her new hip, this was a twice daily ritual for Alex. He pulled down her pajamas and stuck a needle full of steroids and pain medication deep into her hip. She groaned.
“In pain?”
“Where’d you get the shot?” she asked.
“Habit,” he said. “All done.”
He slipped over her to the bed. She rested her head on his shoulder. Her hand looped through the chain for the dog tag bearing her name which he wore around his neck.
“Did you throw up because you were anxious?”
“Anxious,” she said. “I haven’t been eating so there’s not much to throw up. It’s …”
“Automatic, yes,” he finished her statement.
Warm and relaxed, she snuggled against him. She was almost asleep when he said:
“Is there something you wish to tell me?”
She jerked up to look at him.
“What do you mean?”
“I thought we weren’t going to do this anymore,” John said. “We agreed in Scotland to stop hiding from each other.”
“We did.”
“Alexandra,” John rolled to his side to look at her. “You haven’t had any alcohol in three weeks. Max and Raz are accommodating but not enjoying your need for decaffeinated coffee. And, I may not know a lot of things, but I know this body, your body.”
Slipping his hand under her pajamas, he cupped her breast. His thumb ran over her nipple.
“Your breasts are full and more sensitive. You’re softening around your face, your hips… in all womanly places.”
Alex rolled to her back to avoid looking at him.
“I’ve been waiting for you to tell me,” John said. “I thought you’d want to tell me.”
“You’re a solution oriented person. You’ll want to make decisions and I… I needed some time.”
“Why does Raz know?”
“He hacked into the doctor’s computer. I was… upset after my doctor’s appointment and wouldn’t tell him.”
“Let’s start with how,” John said.
“After we spent the day cleaning blood, flesh and decay off the floor of the vault in Paris, Raz went to see his Parisian lady friend.
“Clarissa.”
“Right. He left me in the bath.”
“I rang while you were in the bath,” John said. “You spoke with me and Max.”
“I remember.”
“You seemed all right, just tired. But something happened?”
“I started crying.” Alex closed her eyes at the memory. “I’ve read about this kind of thing happening in my Psych texts. A person dissociates feelings during a crisis. After calming down, the feelings come back.”
“Like what happened when you were held hostage?” John asked.
“Different. This was emotion. No memories. No sensations. Just a flood of sadness. I collapsed in the middle of our sitting area.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“I couldn’t. It’s hard to imagine but I was that upset. Before he left, Raz ordered dinner for me. When room service arrived, they called the agent that was handling us. You remember him, don’t you?”
John nodded.
“The agent called a doctor.”
“CIA doctor?”
“Yes. The agent waited for the doctor then went to get Raz. By the time Raz arrived, the doctor had given me a shot and I was calm, kind of blank. The doctor told Raz to give me a shot every morning and every night. Raz stayed with me to make sure I was all right.”
“So it’s his baby?”
“Don’t be stupid.”
“Alex, he knows you’re pregnant. He was there in Paris. You slept together in Paris.”
“We shared a bed. He didn’t want me to be alone because I’m not any good in the dark alone. You’re the one who told him, ‘Don’t leave her alone in the dark.’ That’s what you told Raz. I was a month behind on the map phone. I’d planned on working at night so he could see Clarissa.”
John’s face flushed. He looked away from her.
Staring at the ceiling, she felt a wave of futility overcome her.
Failing. She was failing again.
Pulling the covers around her chin, she steeled herself for the rest of this conversation.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I haven’t known what to think. I should have asked rather than jumped to my own conclusions. I’ve been a jerk.”
“I understand. I’m sorry I haven’t told you.”
“You were telling me how you got pregnant.”
“The CIA doctor gave me a chemical which messes with the depo shot. It’s supposed to decrease my cortisol level. Raz gave me a shot in the morning and one at night. Remember? We called them ‘zombie shots’ because I was so numb.”
“I remember,” John said. “He said it was…”
“Vitamins. That’s what the doctor told us. Bodybuilders take it so he called it ‘vitamins.’ It wasn’t. My brand new gyno, Janelle? She talked to the doctor. My handler told the doctor I was the only one who could do what I was doing. The doctor thought the drug would allow me to get through the week. It probably did. He didn’t know I was on the depo shot. So that’s how.”
“We’re pregnant. You and I.”
Alex gave him an exasperated look. Biting back the nasty comment that lingered on her tongue, she nodded. When she looked up, John was watching her.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because…” Alex let out a breath. “The baby is not…”
She had practiced the words in her head a thousand times. When it came time to say them out loud, she couldn’t say them. She looked at his sincere blue eyes and concerned face. Turning from him, she stared at the ceiling.
“You can tell me.”
She turned to him.
“He has chromosomal damage. Janelle expected me to miscarry before now. Plus I’m…”
“He?” The word burst from John’s lips.
“Simon,” Alex whispered. “I named him Simon.”
“Alex, we…”
Turning her face back to ceiling, she raised her hand. He stopped talking.
“I know what you’re going to say. We can’t keep him. Children conceived on the depo shot live less than a year. How can we bring a being so damaged into this world? I know. I know. I know.”
She knew what should be done. She simply couldn’t bear doing it.
“I’ve killed a lot of people… adults… who were trying to kill me. But I can’t kill him. I can’t kill him. I just can’t so don’t tell me to.”
“Why is Raz upset?”
“He feels responsible.” She rolled onto her side to look at him. He stroked her face. “He knows how much I want a child. And…”
“That’s why you didn’t tell me.”
“You’ll want to do what’s right.” Alex shrugged. “But what feels right is to let him live, as long as he can, and let God decide.”
“God. Yes, well. You’ve spoken with Father Seamus?”
“No way. He’d find some way to tell Mom.” Alex curled her lip at the idea of her mother getting involved in this situation. Shrugging off her mother induced irritation, she added, “I spent an afternoon with Brother Keith at the friary.”
“You worked in the garden at the Capuchin Franciscan friary one day last week,” John said. “What did Brother Keith say?”
“He said the Pope is very clear on this subject but God is less clear.”
“Sounds like Brother Keith.”
Speaking no louder than a whisper, she continued, “He asked me what I would do if a loved one was mortally wounded and suffering. Would I end his pain? Or let God decide? By keeping Simon, was I being compassionate or selfish? God would want me to be compassionate.”
John’s eyes caressed her face. With his hand at the side of her face, he leaned forward to kiss her.
“It’s a terrible burden to carry alone. May I share this burden with you?”
Alex looked up at him. Her eyes scoured his face looking for anger or judgment. She saw only love on his beautiful face. Burying her head in his shoulder, she sighed.
“What’s it like to be pregnant?”
“Weird, fun, exciting. It’s like a little butterfly lives in my diaphragm.”
“You’re not tired or sick?” he asked
“No. I feel… excited.”
“We talked about having kids when we were first married.”
“That was a long time ago and… well… we don’t have kids.”
“We’ve been kind of busy.” John chuckled. “My school, your work, my work, your injury, your work, my work…”
“How do you feel about all of this?”
“I feel… a lot of different things. Relieved. I’m an idiot, but I convinced myself you were pregnant with Raz’s baby.”
“Why would you believe that?”
“He loves you. You love him. It’s not such a stretch.”
“He has a vasectomy, John. You arranged for Emily to do the procedure.”
“I did.” John’s eyes flicked back and forth from her face. “So you’re saying you and Raz…”
“What is wrong with you? Of course not.”
She rolled away from him to stare at the ceiling. He pulled her back to his shoulder.
“You’re not the same,” he said. “That’s the easiest way to say it. You haven’t been the same.”
“What do you mean?”
“In some ways? You are stronger, more fun, wild like you used to be before you were injured. You aren’t depressed anymore. That is for sure. But in other ways? You’re distant, cooler. I’m terrified you’re closer to someone else or maybe you don’t want to be with me.”
She smoothed his curly hair.
“I’m exhausted,” she said. “We’ve done one stupid project after another.”
She fell silent.
“You know that,” she said.
“I do.”
“I’m not right, you know, in my head. God, Eleazar is dead and yet his presence is in every corner of my life. I don’t have a home. My bees are still at the old property. Everyone expects me to be strong and capable but I’m not strong… or capable… I’m supposed to be a leader… I completely suck at it. All I have is a pile of uninteresting work.”
She fell silent. He stroked her shoulder.
“I feel like there’s no safe place to rest my head,” she whispered.
Pulling her lips into a tight line, she wished she had not let the thought out of her head.
“You have me.”
“Yes, my husband who thinks I’m fucking my partner.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean for my insecurity to injure you.”
Alex shrugged.
“I’m still… recovering…,” John said. “Yes, recovering is probably the best word. I’m recovering from losing you last fall. I thought I would never see you again. I…”
Alex nodded watching his eyes fill with unshed tears.
“I love you,” he said.
She smiled.
“How is it for you to be pregnant?” she asked.
“Oh, as usual, I want to…”
“…control everything,” they said together. They laughed.
“I’m excited and very sad. I knew we couldn’t keep him…”
“Because of the depo?”
“Because of the depo. But, oh I don’t know. It’s so… normal to be pregnant. Last year, we’ve had a real church wedding in front of our families and friends. Now we’re pregnant… It’s like we’re normal people.”
John smiled. Alex looked up at his face and they laughed.
“And finally you’re barefoot and pregnant,” John said. In a flood of speech, he began: “And our lives will be entwined forever. He’ll be beautiful with his mother’s brown eyes and my brain. And he’ll grow big and strong. He will laugh all the time like his mother. We’ll take him to the park to play on the swings. We’ll buy car seats and baby clothing. Your breasts will get huge. I’ll work to support us. And…”
He stopped talking when she sniffed at a tear. He rolled onto his side. Holding her face, he wiped her tears with his thumbs.
“And I wouldn’t be me. And you wouldn’t be you. We’d live someone else’s life.”
“That’s what you want.”
“Never. I want you. I want to be me. You?”
“There’s a little Catholic girl inside me who wants all of that and more,” she said. “But I’d never be happy. Never. And Simon won’t live. I… I don’t think I can have babies. So it’s all a dream.”
“A nightmare, sounds like.”
“I guess so,” she said. “I do love you, John Kelly.”
“I’m so very glad. How much time do we have?”
“About a half hour,” she said.
He slipped on top of her. He caught her lips then work his way from her face. She gasped at his teeth pulling on her nipple.
He stopped. Pushing himself up onto his elbow, he looked up into her face.
“Simon? You named my son, Simon?”
Alex laughed.
F
