On a limb with Claudia

Last December, Dax Moy posted a note on Facebook that he was looking for participants for a new workout program. He wanted to work the kinks out of the program before it went on the market.  At the time, I was floundering for a workout program. I had just completed the Las Vegas Rock and Roll Half marathon and wanted to get back into the gym.  Always looking for ways to get rid of fat, I took Dax up on his generous offer.

Here’s some interesting stats: 536 people signed up. By mid-way through the program, only 175 people were left. Around 4o people completed the program.

To be honest, a lot of people signed up because the program was free. Maybe they wanted to do it and couldn’t. Maybe it seemed to hard. A couple friends of mine said it was too restrictive. Either way, a lot of people looked and few people actually did the program.

We did. D and I worked out together in the morning and at night. The program consisted of four short workouts a day – three gym workouts and one aerobic workout. The workouts were fast interval circuits. Truthfully, we had a blast.  Yes, the workouts were challenging. But at 20 minutes a time, they were over quickly and truthfully fun. Many of the workouts were timed so we worked to beat our times every day.

The diet consisted of the Elimination Diet plus carb cycling. We even added two days a week of fasting in the middle of it.  At one point, Dax called this his “circus.” And it felt like a circus.

What I loved about Dax’s new program:

1. Great workouts. The workouts were fun, challenging and always different.
2. The workouts changed every week, so I never got bored. The variety of exercise helped my body rapidly change.
3. The short workouts were easy to fit into even my busiest day.
4. The Elimination Diet is a great diet. No wheat, no dairy, no alcohol, no caffeine, and no sugar. The only challenge is eating out or eating at friend’s houses. The detox was intense, even though I don’t eat a lot of those things.
5. The fasting day. I’ve never tried fasting. This is dinner to dinner fasting. So you stop eating after dinner on one day and don’t eat until dinner the next day. I am learning a lot from the process of fasting.
6. Dax was very attentive. He answered every question I asked and even visited my blog. Dax has a way of seeing the issue very clearly and responding in a clear appropriate way. I’ve paid for training and received less attention than I had from Dax in this program. I’m jealous of his personal training clients. They are lucky people
7. There was  a great community of people involved in doing the program.
8. I loved doing the program with D. We had so much fun. We’re planning on continuing to work out together for the rest of the year. Great stuff.
9. And you can’t beat the results! I lost four pounds, six inches total and four percent fat.  In one month, that’s pretty freaking amazing.  Dax has also designed a program for the rest of the year for us. Wow, that’s real generosity.

What I didn’t love about Dax’s new program:

1. It’s hard. I mean muscles aching, barely able to move hard some days.
2. Lack of control. I tend to plan out our meals. Because the diet kept changing, I was never sure what we should eat or when. In the middle, I felt like I had an eating disorder. I was confused, hungry and had no idea what I could eat on any given day. I realize I could have done a better job with this, but last month was so busy I just didn’t have time.
3. Four workouts a day are too much. I’m fortunate that I can spend the day in sweats but that’s the only way I could get it all done.
4. Stress. The changes in workout and changes in diet combined to make the program feel chaotic and stressful. At one point, I couldn’t sleep I was so stressed out. Dax recommended I take ashwaganda which seemed to help. Of course, I had a full month trying to get Learning to Stand completed.  So it easily could have been me.

I don’t think you can argue with results. More than the weight/fat I lost, I feel strong and capable. January was a great start to a year of fitness. I’m hoping to carry all that I learned into an exciting year. Dax has created a plan for the rest of the year. I’ll be interested to continue to follow is outline and hope to continue to have great success.

If you have a chance to try this program, and you’re ready to really DO something about your health and fitness, this is the program for you

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I’d like to introduce you to Dustin Carter. He’s a Junior at Hillsboro High School in Cincinnati. His goal? To make the state finals in wrestling.

So what?

When Dustin was five years old, both of his legs and arms were amputated to save him from a rare blood infection.

This video is a bit long, but trust me, you’ll be blown away. For reference, even after thirty years of weight lifting, I cannot do many of the exercises he’s doing.

“The very best thing you can do for the whole world is to make the most of yourself”

–Wallace D. Wattles

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“So I know you,” the clerk at the pharmacy says beaming ear to ear.

“Yeah, how’s that?” I ask looking up from signing the form.

“We work out at the same time at the same gym.”

“We do?”

“Yes.? I see you there every day.”

“You do?” I ask.? “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

This exchange happened yesterday.? I was totally busted for being a snotty bitch.? I don’t look at anyone at the gym.? I only talk to the people I know – which is like two people (well trainers, are they people?)

Of course, I blushed and apologized profusely.

Still, if I was a turkey, I’m pretty sure he’d have me for Thanksgiving.

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I woke this morning thinking about this stud. Can you guess who it is? (He’s cute, isn’t he? Look at his tiny waist!) This guy had a tremendous impact on my life. I’d go so far as to say he shaped my life.

You see, I’m quite a bit larger (taller, bone structure, etc.) than… well, almost everyone… but particularly my mother and sisters. My mother had no frame of reference of someone just being big. She was certain that I was “fat”. Determined that her daughter would not be fat, she put me in exercise classes. (I was twenty-five pounds underweight when she tossed me out.)

That’s where this guy came in. When I was in elementary school, my mother made me work out to his television program. Do you know who he is now?

That’s what I remember him looking like. Yes, as a kid, I worked out to the Jack La Lanne program. I discovered the weight room in high school and the rest is history.

Jack’s 93 years old and healthy. He invented most of the machines you see in a modern gym. That television program? It was on the air for 34 years! In 1936, he stood up to the growing medical establishment by encouraging people to better themselves.

My favorite quote? “(Exercise is) what makes everything happen: your digestion, your elimination, your sex life, your skin, hair, everything about you depends on circulation.”

Jack LaLanne is courageous, smart and persistent.

?My goal has always been to help people help themselves. Your body is your most priceless possession; you’ve got to take care of it!?

Can you see why he’s one of my heroes?

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Ok, I’m a native California. In fact, I’m a forth generation native Californian. Which is to say that I have seen a lot of plastic surgery in my life. Hell, there’s a woman who claims to have raised me but I don’t recognize her… at all.

Thursday Thirteen #7

Let’s face it. Plastic surgery is really getting out of hand. Here’s thirteen plastic surgeries that simply should not happen:

1. Butt implants:

I don’t think I need to add any comment here. Do you?

2. Over a D cup:

I know the saying is “the bigger the better” but really.
Only Bigfoot has hands big enough to even hold these babies.

3. Lip implants:

They cut open your lip and insert a permanent silicone pad. Ew.

4. Penis “extension” surgery:

“Penis extension is achieved by cutting the main ligaments that anchor the penis to the pubic bone. What this does is allow a part of the penis that usually resides inside the body to hang outside, making the penis seem about an inch longer. The two main cosmetic problems are that the erection will now shoot straight out rather than up, and the pubic hair covers the base of the newly exposed penis. This procedure is usually combined with another procedure that is sort of a reverse liposuction. Which, basically, adds fat to the penis to give it more girth. Surgery is costly and not covered by insurance.”

You will in fact be “well hung” as hanging is about all your new “larger” (and an inch hairier) penis will do.

If you are thinking about this surgery, here a suggestion. How about learning how to use what you have? Just a thought.

5. Chest and Facial hair:

Before: Fugly

2050 hair transplants later?
(Let’s say it together -OUCH!)

Still Fugly, a little hairier.

You are not kissing me with that nasty stubble. Not a chance.

6. Liposuction = Death:

According to one US study, liposuction has a higher than normal death rate at 19 out of 100,000 surgeries. For the sake of comparison, there are 16.1 fatalities per 100,000 automobile accidents. The accepted rate of death for elective surgery is 1 out of 100,000 surgeries. The study shows that most of these surgeries were done in a doctor’s office and not in a hospital.

7. Pec implants:

Dude. Whey protein. Trainer. Gym membership.
You look stupid with tiny arms and a “big” chest.

8. Hymenplasty:

What is the draw here? I can understand it if a girl has been raped or molested. I believe she is still a virgin. So if it’s important to her culture, this makes some sense. (The surgery is very popular in the Middle East.)

But come on… If you want to watch some of the freak show, watch this video. Getting a new hymen reinvigorated their relationship?? What??

9. Anything Jocelyn Wilderstein has had done:

I’d shoot the person who did this to me.

10. Abdominal etching: ‘k. Because eating whey protein, hiring a professional trainer, joining a gym and working out is too freakish, abdominal etching was invented. It’s lipo with a twist.

Pre-lipo – abdominal etching

 

Post-lipo – abdominal etching and $9,000 later.

Let’s be grateful that abdominal implants have yet to take off.

11. Vaginal reconstruction: (Also called Vaginoplasty.) Do people really not know that you can strengthen those muscles? Certainly Kegel exercises work. Leg squats. Bridges. The list is fairly long. I’d rather do a few exercises than have some pervert doctor stick a laser up my vagina.

Some people say they get this done because they do not like the aesthetics of their private parts. (If you watched the video in #8, you’ll hear a woman say she became depressed over it.) To them, I say, “GET A LIFE“. Use your plastic surgery money on a good therapist.

12. Pencil thin nose. Let’s play name that nose:

The first person who can guess all 3 correctly will win a honey bear of this year’s honey.

13. Collagen lips: Click here to see an entire gallery of nasty collagen lips. Here’s a few of my favorites:

A. Britney Spears

B. Jenna Jameson

 

C. Liz Hurley

The first person who guess all three of these will also win some honey. (Kelly won!)

Did you know that it hurts to have collagen injected in your lips and it can hurt for months? I have a friend who didn’t kiss her husband for six months because kissing hurt too much. You can see the priorities here.

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Dear little blonde “woman” with the four carat diamond ring,

I realize that it’s your first day at the gym with your husband. (I assume he’s your husband since you are wearing that little sparkler.)

But yes, I am in fact using (scrunch my nose like you did) ALL of these big weights. If you decide to pick them up again, I may pummel you with the fifty pound barbel… by accident, of course. (smile)

While we’re having this chat? Would you mind asking your husband to stop staring at my ass when you aren’t here? I’d just appreciate a little gym time without his eyes permanently glued to my behind.

Also, that guy you just took the bench press from? He’s a professional bodybuilder on steroids. You might not want to piss him off again. After all, your husband hyperventilated when you decided to use his bench. Of course you were oblivious.

Did they botox your brain too?? Or did the saline leak from the sacks on your chest?? I’m concerned.

Thanks for listening,

Signed,

That girl who almost killed you this morning.

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Here’s the short list of why I work out:
1. It keeps the pain monster at bay. Two herniated discs in my neck? I think that says it all.

2.
+ Dancing all night = Core Strength. (Yes, that’s right. I wear these 3 1/2 inch heels.)

3. The dream of a four pack turning into a six pack. We can dream.

4. Beekeeping. A full hive deep weighs at least 65 pounds. A “super” filled with honey for eating weights about 40 pounds. The rock only weighs about a half a pound.

5. I am a physical person. I am not happy unless I’m sweaty and breathing hard at least once a day.

6. I shop at Costco where they pack those boxes absolutely full. Lifting weights allows me to actually take the groceries from the cart and put them in the truck. I don’t have any idea what the flabby do.

7. My best friend, B., and I worked out at university so we have all these “inside” jokes.

Here’s one. You know the guys who grunt and moan while they are working out. Grunt, slam, strut. We used to call those Betty’s as in Betty Weider working out with her husband .

B. used to say that if the guys were like that in the gym they were like that in bed. B. is more experienced in this area so I take his word for it.

8. I am physically able to ski, backpack, walk, run, move boxes, work on the house, pick up my nieces and nephew, and play.

9. People don’t tend to hassle a girl with 16 inch biceps. Would you?

10. I like being firm.

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I was on my back squeezing out another set of sit ups (forty twisted crunches for those of you keeping track) this morning, when I thought, “Damn I spend a lot of time on my back.”

I’m not saying that I’m like my friend Model Girl.  She says that everything she’s achieved in life has happened because she’s good on her back.  I can’t really comment on that, having never witnessed her abilities in this department.  I think we have to take her at her word.

It just seems that between the near bajillion sit ups, crunches, twisting crunches, “core” (the new buzz term for sit ups) work outs and sleeping, I’ve spent a lot of quality time laying on my back.

The ceiling at this gym is a kind of brownish orange color.  I used to work out a place where the ceiling was blue.  Gold’s Gym, Venice Beach?  Duh, burntish gold.  World Gym, Venice Beach?  Black.  The ceiling of the gym at my university?   Black.  First gym?  White.  High School?  Cinder block.

Scary isn’t it.  I actually remember that crap.

I cannot remember the name of the guy who kissed me under the mistletoe in junior high school, my first kiss, but I remember the ceilings of all the gyms I’ve worked out in.

I wonder what that says about me.

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Every morning around 6:30 am, I stand on a Lifecycle Eliptical machine and do ten minutes of aerobic exercise (ten heart rate sprints). I’m not really awake, but I’m there giving it my all.

The television in front of me is always tuned to this foreign language station. This particular television is always surrounded with men. They stand in front of it after taking a drink of water. The workout equipment around it are full of zoned out men. Well, and me.

In the interest of learning, I have been watching this foreign language station for the last six month. I hoped to pick up some of the language, maybe infiltrate the culture or hell, figure out what they are talking about. I’m smart, good with language, and I like men. I can do this.

Yeah.

Not a chance.

The foreign language station = ESPN Sports Center.

After all this time, I still have no idea what they are talking about. It’s not just that I don’t know the teams, it’s the manner in which they speak. It’s some secret guy speak.

I’m going to crack the code.

Any tips? Anyone have the Sports Center codex?

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I read an article (which I cannot find now) which stated that when a man meets a woman, he visualizes having sex with her.  But when a woman meets a man, she visualizes kissing him.

I thought this was, well, weird, because I’m a woman and I’ve never visualized kissing anyone.  Ever.

So I started thinking about it. And this is what I came up with.

You know all that stuff about what women want in a partner?  Oh come on, you’ve read it.  Women want a kind, considerate partner.  Women want understanding not fixing.  Women want a polite partner who opens doors for them, says “thank you” and “please”.  You know that stuff?

Well, the truth is that these are the requirements for great sex.

While a man might take one look at a woman and know how it’s all going to, shall we say, work out. Women are interested in having fun, relating, and possibly building something special.  A considerate, kind person is a great lover.  A polite person isn’t selfish in bed.  And being understood?  (She smiles sheepishly.)  That’s what it’s all about.

What do you think?

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