On a limb with Claudia

“Why don’t you come for dinner?” I ask Rocker Boy.

“That’s a great idea,” he says pulling from his pocket his expensive phone/PDA/kitchen sink apparatus.

“How about Monday?” I suggest.

“Oh, I can’t do Monday because I have to go to the bar, see a band and get shit faced that night.”

“I can’t do any other night next week because I’m trying to better myself and the world.”

He scratches his head.

“I’m going to be out of town partying and watching bands for three days in a row next week, so I can’t do it until…. Well, I’m going to have to catch up drinking and show watching because I’ve been out of town. How about the end of March?”

“I don’t think the world will be saved by then. That might work, what were you thinking?”

“Boy I don’t know. The drinking and rock show season starts at the beginning of April. Why don’t you send me an email and we’ll figure something out?”

“Sure.”

You ‘ll be surprised to know that even after 3 months of trying, we haven’t scheduled dinner. He thinks I’m pathetically uncool and I think he drinks too much.

We’ve been friends for a long time.

After these conversations, I always wonder two things:

1. Am I arrogant because I want to better myself and the world? Is he arrogant because his priority is the consumption of bands and booze? Or are we both just foolish to put these priorities in front of a friendship?

2. Do you think he hears the same subtext to our scheduling conversations?

Continue Reading

Recently the CEO presented me with the Rockin’ Girl Blogger award.

In an effort to live up to this award, I have prepared a “What everyone needs to know when they go to a Rock Concert” guide.? My intention is to help you enjoy your next venture to a rock concert.

1.? If you are going to an outdoor concert (like Red Rocks), you should wait at least an hour after the doors open. ? People get really drunk, take G or whatever, throw up and pass out.? Most of this happens within the first hour of a concert.? You can miss all of this by going a bit later.

2.? Don’t let your husband know that the lead singer is trying to pick you up.? While it’s always a good idea to keep your husband in the dark about such things, if he finds out that the lead singer is after you, you won’t get to see that band again.? Ever.? I know this because… uh… it happened to a good friend of mine.? Yeah, a really good friend.

3. ? Want a great seat?? Wanna burn some karma?? Every venue has a great handicap area.? It’s up close, not vomit, very great seats.? We saw a number of concerts during the year that my ankle was in a cast.? If you’re desperate, and don’t mind the bad karma, they sell those walking casts at medical supply.? I’m karma conservative so after that year, we haven’t tried it.

4.? Always look at a band’s MySpace page before attending the concert your friend says is really “great” and you “have” to see.? No matter how much you might love them, some people simply have bad taste in music.? Better to know that up front than after paying 40 bucks to get in.

5.? Bring your phone.? You can text your friends on the lame screen.? More importantly, because of smoking bans, you can’t light your lighter to show your appreciation.? Fire up your clam shell cell phone and rock on.

6.? Wear sensible shoes.? If the band is any good, you are going to be jumping, dancing, running for drinks and standing for long periods of time.? I usually wear my Dansko clogs in the winter or my Dansko sandels in the summer.? Sometimes I wear my stilettos but only on special occasions when I don’t have to walk the next day.

7. Boys are rude at these concerts.?? Concerts can be total testosterone fests.? You have to expect that the guy behind you is going to feel you up or will make you push against him to get by.? I know this because… uh… it always happens to this good friend of mine.? A quick thumb in the ribs always works.? That’s what… uh… my friend always does.

8.? People are not supporting the devil here.? I know some of you Baptists are raised that this gesture:

or alternatively this gesture:

is a gesture for the devil.? But it’s not.? I don’t know exactly what it means, but the cool kids raise their hand over their head to rock.?? Practice this hand gesture at home then rock on.

9.? The naked neighbor works security.? Just remember that that security guy who’s driving you crazy might be MY naked neighbor. He’s having a tough time.? Walk away.

10. Winter is a great time to rock.? Traditionally, bands play in the summer and fall.? A lot of bands play Europe in the winter.? However, bands that are just starting to make it – like Fall Out Boy, American Rejects, Plain White T’s, the Fray – will play smaller venues in the winter to try out their tour.? Keep an eye out and you can see some amazing acts.

I do hope this guide helps you enjoy your next rock concert.? Concerts can be so incredibly fun.? Enjoy!

I am passing along this award to the following Rocker Girls.

ADW at Hooters and Other Tales of Woe.

Bottle Blonde at Confessions of a Bottle Blonde.

Kelly at Cheaper than A Happy Meal.

Samantha K at Sports, Soap and a Wandering Mind.

I’m just thinking these gals can tell us a lot about rocking.

Continue Reading

You know about the naked neighbor, right?

It turns out that standing at the window naked is spreading among the males in my neighborhood.

Yesterday, I was coming home from the gym. I had to park away from the house because they are doing some kind of road work outside my house.

(Remember the rule in the West: two seasons – winter and road construction.)

I pick up my empty water bottle, my fanny pack and my jacket from the car, then turn to cross the street. I’m standing in the middle of the street waiting when I hear this noise. I look around and have no idea what made that noise.

Pound, pound, pound.

I look at the men working. They’ve stopped working to stare, in horror, at something at my neighbor’s house. Following their gaze, I see it.

My neighbor’s three year old son is standing in the window completely naked. He’s jumping up and down and banging on the window saying my name.

I smile and wave.

He turns to something behind him and his five year old brother joins him in the window. Both boys naked. Both boys jumping up and down. Both boys saying my name. Both boys are banging on the hundred year old glass.

hen, a set of hands grabs the boys and one at a time the naked boys disappear from the window.

Shaking my head, I walk past the workers to my house.

I can see D. standing in the window. I wave, then open to door to find him naked from the pants down, watching the workers.

“Uh,” I say pointing to his lack of pants or underwear.

“I was watching the men work. It’s not like I’m naked!” Indignant, he finishes dressing, in our living room no less.

There must be something in the water.

Continue Reading

I love men. I do! Please note that this is not a comparison to women. Women have a lot of these characteristics. These are just things I love about men.

I have a friend who says that every man takes one look at me and thinks “this one will understand me”. That’s probably true.

Thursday Thirteen #4

Here are Thirteen things I love about men.

1. Smell:

I love the clean sweat smell a man has in the gym or right after a run. Clean hot sweaty guys smell great. Whether it’s the heavy musk smell of a sweaty rock club or breathing hard from a workout, yum.

2. Laughter:

I’ve never met a man that I couldn’t make laugh or at least giggle. I love the “I’m so serious” look shift to a choked laugh. The men I’ve met are always up for a laugh, even if it’s at their expense.

3. Simplicity:

A lot of women disagree with me, but I think men are fairly simple. You want to make a man happy? Feed him, fuck him, give him some quiet time, and say “Thank you” every once and a while. Easy.

4. Up for a crazy adventure:

As you know if you read this blog, I’m a little wild. Most men are up for crazy adventures. Sure, some men are more up for crazy adventures than others. (Crazy adventure? Driving all night to spend the day at Cheyenne Frontier Days, meeting a rock band for a barbeque, climbing on the roof to watch fireworks, skiing a half day so you can fish the Blue when it warms, etc.) I have friends who know that if they are up to something crazy? I’m in.

5. Physical:

I’m a pretty rough and tumble gal. You can hit, wrestle, hug, or bump into a guy and he’ll hit, wrestle, hug or bump you back. Physical contact isn’t always around sex – it’s just contact for contact’s sake. And that’s very nice.

6. Direct: Sure some guys are players, but my experience is that men can be brutally direct. I love that.

7. Observant:

Men are stimulated by sight, so they watch things and see things. My male friends point out everything from eagles flying in the air to a nice ass. I’ve seen so much of this world because some guy pointed to something that I missed.

8. Verbal: When I take the time, settle down, and listen to a man, I hear so many interesting things about the world. Whether it’s baseball scores or the latest political scandal, there’s a lot to be heard when a man starts talking especially when he starts talking about himself.

9. On/Off: Men tend to be either involved in something or not. They are working or they are not working. They are playing or they are not playing. I found in working with couples that women tend to be all gray (I’m in this as much as I’m not) while men tend to be black and white (I’m here or I’m not). These boundaries feel really safe to me.

10. Playful:

I love to play. I’ve never met a man who wasn’t up for a little play. Whether it’s a new video game or a romp with the dog, playing is essential to most men. And to me!

11. Gossip: Have you heard men gossip? It’s no accident that the most popular gossip website is run by a man. And if you think that’s because he’s a gay man? You’ve never heard men gossip. From a nice pair of “knockers” to the latest sports chatter, they gossip. They are hilarious.

12. Music:

What can I say? I listen to alternative metal. I like guitar melodies, strong singing voices and something I can dance to. Most of that is created by men. Of course, lead singers can be total babes, but that’s another list.

13. And that too!

I know what you were waiting for on this list. Give me a big hands with long fingers, a nice butt in 501 jeans, big shoulders, tall (at least as tall as me), and some skill (yes skill – who cares if its big if he doesn’t know how to use it!), and you have my attention. Of course, my husband wouldn’t like it if you stole too much attention, but you have mine.

How do you determine skill? That’s a whole other list!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Powered by… Mister Linky’s Magical Widgets.

Continue Reading

I love lingerie. I especially love expensive lingerie.

Thursday Thirteen #3

Here’s thirteen reasons why:

1. Secret. No one knows that you are wearing beautiful lacy panties except you. It’s like a special secret. I wear beautiful undies to the gym, to work, and just hanging out at home. And no one knows. Except, well you do… now.

2. Expert help. Expensive lingerie is only sold at boutique shops. My favorite place is SOL. It’s owned by a couple of wonderful, smart and sassy women. They are experts at bra fit. I know that sounds easy or stupid, but a great fitting comfortable bra is priceless.

3. You look great in a great fitting, fabulous bra.

4. Even a tomboy like me can be a little lacy. Expensive lace is beautiful and not itchy. I have these beautiful lace camisoles that I wear under shirts when we go dancing. If I get hot, I just take the shirt off showing a beautiful lace top. (Hey, some football quarterback tried to pick me up while I was wearing my black lace cami. I had no idea who he was until my husband fawned all over him. Go figure.)

5. Pick me up when I’m down. When I feel beaten down by life, I come home and put on one of my short nightgowns. I feel so much better wearing something soft, silky and beautiful. One is made by Vera Wang. I can wander around the house in a Vera Wang. Now that’s cool.

6. Did I mention lace panties?

7. You get to wear brands called “Prima Donna”. Yes, I’m a Prima Donna Girl. They are so beautiful and comfortable. Can you blame me??

8. They last forever. Like anything, you have to take care of it but expensive lingerie lasts years, even if you wear it a lot. I’ve had some pieces for years. They are still beautiful, wonderful and I love them!

9. Cheap lingerie can be fun. Every girl needs something that can be tugged on, ripped off, stretched and manipulated. Keep some of that cheesy Victoria Secret stuff around for that. I have a Mirale account for play wear.

10. Can you say etched silk?

If you haven’t seen etched silk, you need to. The roses are etched into the silk giving it an almost see-through effect. This outfit says, “Merry Christmas” in such a nice way.

11. The look. Ah come on. You know what I’m talking about. That look when your honey watches you walk from the bathroom or when you pull off your top to change into work out clothes. You might get the same look in cheesy cheap lingerie, but nothing says, ‘come ‘n get me’ better than expensive lingerie.

12. Guys! Listen up! You can go shopping for her. Most lingerie boutiques set up accounts for their clients. You can go in, buy what you like in her size, and surprise. Sure, she knows you just bought yourself a present. But what the hell? It’s beautiful and she’ll smile.

13. It’s about being your best you. Maybe you have small breasts and wide hips. Maybe you have large pendulous breasts. Maybe you’re somewhere in between or had a mastectomy or just had a child or just had breast surgery. Why not look your very best?? You think those models and actresses have perfect bodies?? Think again! They wear expensive well fitting undergarments. You deserve one expensive, beautiful bra to wear in secret to that stupid meeting where your boss tells you how dumb you are. Smile. You have something beautiful against your skin.

AND we didn’t even get to stockings, thigh highs, fishnets….

Sigh.

I love lingerie.

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

Powered by… Mister Linky’s Magical Widgets.

Continue Reading

Ok, I’m not a person who is prone to being angry or ranting.  In fact, I almost never just “go off”, so you’ll have to pardon my rant.

But here it is:

I am sick to death of the “smart” people.

You know who I’m talking about.

These are the people who I just can’t understand because they are so smart. Or they don’t have any friends because they are so smart. Or they do something completely nonsensical because they are so smart. Or they can’t compromise, be honest, communicate because they are so smart.  Or maybe they can’t find meaningful work because they are so smart.  Of course they’ll never be happy.  Why?? Too smart.

The poor misunderstood smart person.

If you’re really so smart, why don’t you learn a few social skills?

If you’re really so smart, why not read up on being a decent human being??

If you’re really that smart, why not learn what it takes to be happy?

Before you email or comment that I simply do not understand the truly smart person, let me tell you that my father tested at an IQ of 169.

That’s a lot smarter than all of you jerks.

AND while he was far from perfect, at least he tried.

What’s your excuse?

End of rant.  Thank you for listening.

Continue Reading

Ladies, if you haven’t seen this video (Like a Boy by Ciara) you owe it to yourself to watch.

You get to see tiny Ciara pretending to be a ‘boy’.  She has these great drawn on tattoos.   She grabs her crotch to pull up her pants. It’s funny and worth a watch.

(Ciara is classified as R&B so I’ve ventured out Alternative metal.  Surprised?)

Continue Reading

I was standing next to Rocker Boy outside a tiny arts show listening to Everything Absent or Distorted play an acoustic set at the UMS this weekend. We were gossiping discussing music when this Rock Star guy comes up. Trust me, he is cooler than you and I combined. He’s got the rocker posture down, the long stringy hair, the sort of shaven face, and the jeans hanging on his scrawny behind.

Now, I have to tell you that I took my job as eye candy for this event very seriously. I wore my black short skirt and a chocolate brown Josie Natori camisole . I looked good.

Anyway, the Rock Star begins chatting with Rocker Boy. They move away from me a bit when it hits me. This is the guy with the green underwear.

“That’s the green underwear guy,” I mumble to Rocker Boy.

He nods then says to the Rock Star, “Hey, she wants to see your underwear.”

The Rock Star, who had been ignoring me, drops the cool act, and his cigarette, when his mouth falls open.

“Really?” He asks, his bloodshot blue eyes wide.

Two beats later, the act is back. He adds, “I’ll even sign your tits if you’d like.”

The Rock Star looks at Rocker Boy who is shaking his head (because he knows that I will tell the Rock Star that I don’t have tits and ….). Unsure of what to do, the Rock Star unzips his pants to reveal maroon undies.

Rocker Boy shows his pink undies with white piping.

For a few minutes, I standing there, at my eye candy best, in front of two men with their jeans around their knees on a crowded street corner. Rocker Boy and the Rock Star look up at me, then at each other. They laugh and zip their pants.

The music was good too.

Continue Reading

“So you’re one of those people,” my friend A. said.

“What people?”

“The kind of person someone calls when they need some thing. I only call you when I need some thing,” he said.

“I’ve noticed. You don’t even buy me lunch.”

“Lunch?”

“Yeah, most people invite me to lunch then spill all their needs and problems.  I give you credit for being more honest.”

We are walking along South Platte bike path in the hundred degree heat.

“You’re getting your exercise,” he said.

“I’ve noticed.”

Continue Reading

Along with a billion of my closest friends, I pre-ordered this book and it arrived Saturday. I like it. It has interesting characters and great relationships. Sure, some of it was cheesy but oh well. If I want great literature, I can go back to Google Books.

Papa Roach – Forever (pre-release)

Sadly I will miss their show here in Denver. But I like this song. And the video is so cute with them kissing between their lip piercings. Ok, that’s kind of retarded.

Stuck in my head:

Superman’s Song (You Tube)

by the Crash Test Dummies

On our way to Colorado, we arrived on the scene of a horrible auto accident where a green Saturn spun out of control in a freak thunderstorm. The passenger seat, and it’s passenger, were ripped out of the vehicle. In the pelting rain, I sat next to the passenger, with my hand on her shoulder, while she died. We listened to this album (Ghosts that Haunt Me) all the rest of the way to Denver. I think this song on my head because of the trademark crapola in the Open Grove.

Watching:

Slither

It’s embarrassing, but the last movie I watched was Slither. We watched all of Firefly (which is quite good) and Serenity. The captain of Serenity is in Slither. I shake my head at my own ridiculousness. Let’s hope the Red Head gives back our Shaun of the Dead DVD soon. For fuck’s sake, we need some quality zombie action!

Continue Reading