On a limb with Claudia

Everyone wants peace. We might go about creating peace differently. Yet every person I have ever met longs for peace in his or her life.

Peace.

Thursday Thirteen #8

After years of thought and soul searching, here are a few strategies that I used every day to create peace in my daily life.

1. Made peace with my past. This day is so much more interesting than what someone did to me yesterday. That’s just a fact. Sure. It’s taken a long time to accept what happened. But it’s over. Like looking in the side view mirror, any moment lost in the past is a moment stolen from the present.

The past cannot torture me today.

2. Make a good apology. How many times have you received or given an apology like this?

Human beings make mistakes. You cannot imagine the peace you will feel when you learn to make a good apology.

A good apology? Very quickly:

1. Acknowledge the injury.
2. Ask the person what it was like for them.
3. Say that you apologize for (fill in injury and emotional response).
4. Ask how you can make the injury better.

Want more? Here’s an Open Grove newsletter on the Lost Art of Apology.

3. Let go of expectation. Every time I fall into expectation, my drive and hope disappear. As I wait around for my expectations to come true, life passes and hope dies.

I am willing to dream. I am willing to hope. I am willing to plan. But I’m over expectation.

4. I’m not the Judge. Judgmental people are miserable. They make everyone around them miserable. I have worked to eliminate judgment and judgmental people from my life. It’s very hard, especially when other people are driving!

When I let judgment into my life, I push out peace. If I find myself standing in judgment, I tell myself that I am not the judge. Or Judge Dredd. (Doesn’t he look happy here?)

When I let go of judgment, peace returns.

5. Metta Meditation. More than anything else, the metta meditation changed my life. With it’s companion, the Forgiveness meditation, I learned what it means to be human. If you’d like to have peace in your life, try these meditations.

6. Practice clear communication.

To me? Clear communication has these components:

1. Knowing what I want. (That’s the hard part.)
2. Being brave enough to speak my truth.
3. Don’t speak to when people cannot hear me. (For some people? That’s always.)
4. Listen, then respond.

Clear communication = peace.

7. It’s not up to me to change people. It sounds very simple. But people make themselves crazy trying to change their partners, their bosses, their siblings and on and on. I found enormous relief in letting go of changing the people around me.

Changing people is simply not my job.

8. Smile. Did you know that positive neurochemicals are released when you smile? Even a forced smile will make you feel better. And you can brighten anyone’s day with a smile. You want peace? Try smiling.

9. Watch my language. Yesterday, I blogged on winning the peace. I never fight a verbal battle if I don’t think I can win the peace. This means that I only engage in “you hurt me” with people who care enough to listen to what I have to say. Otherwise, it’s a waste of breath. Life’s too short to have a conversation with someone who is only going to call you names or blame you for their behavior. That’s not peace. That’s just stupid.

Maybe it’s a middle child thing, but I don’t need to share my truth with other people. If it’s true to me, why do I care what other people think?

10. Know my limits. Some people use the word “boundary” for limits. I like the idea of limits as I realize I am a limited person. I know, for example, that I don’t tolerate rude adults. I am limited in that way. I create more peace in my life by avoiding situations where people will be rude. My life is more peaceful because I know my limits.

11. Choose Peace. I have the capacity to verbally cut someone to the quick. I learned this skill by watching my mother wage war against my father. I can do it. I just don’t. When given the opportunity, I choose peace. I raise my eyebrows or walk out of the room. In some situations, all of my power and strength are channeled into keeping my mouth shut. Sometimes, it is very hard. The other person gets a smug or superior look on her face and I want to pounce. Luckily, I am not so easily manipulated.

12. Reduce stimulation. I am over stimulated by noise and people. I don’t watch television because I tend to get over stimulated by the sound and colors. I go to the gym early in the morning because I get over stimulated by too many people. I found that by reducing the stimulation in my life, I feel a greater sense of peace in my life.

We live in safer times than human beings have ever lived in. Yet people are more frightened than they ever have been. (Click here to watch Steven Pinkler discuss this topic at the TED conference.) I think over-stimulation is one of the causes of this.

13. Be kind to myself. I was deeply frustrated with myself. Working to get my therapist license, I kept forgetting to bring the form to my monthly supervision. If I just could remember the form, I would have my license. In a conversation with my friend Bob, he said these words, “Those aren’t very kind things to say to yourself”. (He doesn’t remember saying this btw.)

In this moment, I realized that I treated myself in a way I would never treat a stranger or even an enemy. I was cruel, judgmental and violent against myself as I attempted to purge myself from my own inadequacy.

Kindness. All I had to do was be kind to myself. Relief surged through my body, peace and balance returned. The violence I felt on a daily basis disappeared as soon as I refused to be violent to myself. Amazing.

Peace is a choice. What will you choose today?

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