On a limb with Claudia

If you had a chance to speak with the dead, who would you pick? Usually ghost whisperers end up talking to the ghosts who happen to be around – the nasty woman who lives on the corner, the plumber who died in the basement, etc.

But what if you could pick?

In honor of All Soul’s Day, here’s my list of dead people I’d like to have a conversation with.

Thursday Thirteen #7

1. Marilyn Monroe:

Like a lot of women, I’ve always felt strong affinity to Marilyn. I’d love to sit down with her for a chat. What was it like to be loved so intensely by Joe Di Maggio? What was Los Angeles like when she lived there? Did her scalp peel and burn with the hair treatments? How was it to grow old with her beauty? More than anything, I’d love to uncover the heart of a dragon that hid behind her rabbit exterior.

2. Darby Crash:

You probably don’t know Darby. He was someone who had a huge impact on my life. (I even still wear three earrings in my left ear because of Darby.) I was devastated when he killed himself. I’d love to chat about the friends we had in common and the way the world changed.

3. Jean Paul Sartre:

My father used to say that I was a decent person until I read Sartre. I took it as a compliment. Sartre changed my life. I would love to tour the catacombs with Sartre. I’d love to know how he could be so different in thought and mind yet so brave with his difference.

4. James Dean:

James Dean and I share a birthday. I’d sit down with a pack of cigarettes and talk to him about life as an Aquarian.

5. Napoleon Hill:

Napoleon Hill single handedly launched the self-help movement with his Think and Grow Rich. An amazing person, he postulated many of the ideas we take for granted now – finding people of like mind, “thoughts are things”, goal setting, working to define your values. More than anything he defined riches as monetary and personal – family, children and love. Gosh, if I had a chance to talk to Napoleon Hill? Let’s just say, I’d have a lot to ask.

6. Joseph Smith:

You may not know this, but I’m terrified of Mormons. Yes, it’s an irrational fear. I’m just not sure what Stephen Covey, Robert Allen and the like are up to. Anyway, I am simply fascinated by Joseph Smith. Who was this guy? What gave him the power and conviction to start his own thing? What’s up with the alien theories? Book? Breast plate? Sword?

7. Timothy Mc Veigh:

Maybe it’s true. Tim and Terry (they use to call them “T&T” at the SuperMax) decided to blow up a FBI building in Oklahoma. But what if it isn’t true? What if information was repressed by the government? What if he was really just a good soldier? We’ll never know. If I had a chance to talk to Tim Mc Veigh, I’d just listen to what he had to say.

8. Glenn Miller:

Only forty years old when he died, his music distinctive music lingers sixty years after his disappearance. My Aunt Betty, Uncle Izzy, Aunt Audrey and my father saw him once at the Venice Beach Pavillion and danced until dawn. Brave enough to create and promote his original sound, he was brave enough to travel with the United States Military in World War II. I’d ask Glenn Miller about the music and the United States in the 1930s and 1940s. I’d ask him about World War II. Maybe he’d even play for me!

9. Saint Francis de Assisi:

Francis was an amazing human being. His faith unstoppable he launched the order of the Franciscans. On September 22, 1224, a six-winged angel on a cross appeared and gave Francis the stigmata – the five wounds of Christ. And Francis thought that was cool. Go figure. He was also a champion for the environment. Amazing guy. I would want to hear about everything – the angel, the stigmata, his garden, birds, his trip to convert the sultan…. everything.

10. Lao Tzu:

A humble monk, he authored the Tao Te Ching when requested by a sentry. He lived well past the age of 160 in the forth century B.C. The Tao Te Ching is pertinent and interesting more than two thousand years later. My guess is that Lao Tzu wouldn’t speak to me. Maybe we could meditate together or just hang out over a pot of tea.

11. J. Robert Oppenheimer:

Robert Oppenheimer was the director of the Manhattan project and is called the father of the atom bomb. If you ever get a chance to speak to someone who was involved with the project, ask about Dr. Oppenheimer. He was fearlessly cheerful, he is said to have held the project, and all of the genius scientists, together by sheer force of personality. This is a man who changed the world July 16,1945 when the first atomic bomb exploded in the desert of New Mexico. There’s so much to ask about that time and what has happened since that time. How did he feel about the bombing of Japan? What would he make of the cold war?

12. Madame C. J. Walker:

Madame Walker was the first self-made black woman millionaire. This is an amazing woman. She picked cotton as a child, was orphaned at seven years old, widowed at twenty and started a hair empire in 1907. She believed that money was not an end to itself and believed in philanthropy. She employed thousands of black women to sell her hair products. If I had a chance to speak with Madame Walker, I would ask her how she kept going when her gender, her race, her class, everything was stacked against her. I asked Liz from Los Angelista if she’d like to go. She said, “I’d love to speak with her. I’d like to ask her how she managed her business so well in a time when black women didn’t get much respect. It’d be interesting to find out from her what she thinks of the current state of black women’s hair.” Yay! It’s a date!

13. All those guys (Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, Moses):

You know, I think if I got these guys together? They would probably get along quite well. That’s what I’d do, by the way. I get them together, put on a pot of tea, and chat. Who knows? Maybe we’d have a miracle-go-round. How ’bout if we let Lao Tsu keep score? (Yes, yes, that’s sacrilegious. I thought it was kind of funny.)

Four brave men.

Four brave leaders.

What would they say to each other?

>>>>

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Check out this video about happiness. Dr. Dan Gilbert shares some fascinating research about choice and happiness.The vid is 20 minutes long – and well worth the time. Check it out!

Video blurb:

Psychologist Dan Gilbert challenges the idea that we’ll be miserable if we don’t get what we want. Our “psychological immune system” lets us feel real, enduring happiness, he says, even when things don’t go as planned. He calls this kind of happiness “synthetic happiness,” and he says it’s “every bit as real and enduring as the kind of happiness you stumble upon when you get exactly what you were aiming for.”

And he’s not a complete moron – go ahead, check it out.

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I am delighted that Hearts in SF awarded me the:

After obsessing for a few days about what exactly “hits the mark” means, I decided to take a breath and stop obsessing.

(It could happen you know. I could in fact stop obsessing.)

I am deeply touched and grateful to win this award. I feel so grateful for the community that grows and expands around this blog. You, the reader, are a very big part of my day. Thank you for coming by, commenting, participating, sending me emails, and generally making the blog work.

If there’s a mark to hit, (I am NOT obsessing, sheez) the mark revolved around you, the reader.

I’d like to pass this award on to a few blogs that I enjoy:

Kevin Charnas – Kevin presents his world with delightful irony and delicious details. Never afraid to make fun of himself, I think Kevin is a great example of living with joy and purpose.

Josie’s C’est La Vie: Josie presents her inner and outer world with delightful transparency. She is what she writes. In a world of cover up, this kind of transparency is like a glass of cool water on a hot day.

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There is a terrible dilemma in our household. We have sought the proper authorities. We’ve contacted manufacturers. Sadly, we are unable to come up with a definitive solution.

We need your help!

We purchased a tub of Kirkland Disney Animal Crackers.

We are unable to identify all of the shapes. You cannot imagine how many crackers have lost their lives in the identification process.

The store said:

Sorry, we are unable to identify this just looking at the outside of the plastic jar. There is a bird character (although seemingly not Owl) on the label, so perhaps that is it.

We need your assistance. This is what we have determined so far:

Do you agree with our assessment?

We have not been able to determine the following shape.

Before you blithly determine that this cracker is a Heffalump, I’d like to remind you that Heffalumps are hostile creatures. This creature is smiling. Further Heffalumps have large ears whereas this creature has small ears.

What does this animal cracker look like to you?

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You’re Brigitte Bardot!
Take this quiz!

Yeah baby!! I just wish my feet weren’t so swollen from the freakin’ stiletto boots I wore to DeVotchKa last night.

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I know what you are going to say.

You’ll say, “Of course.”

But I was shocked.

Our constant-TV-watching-renting-to-the-naked-neighbor neighbors have foreclosed on the house next door.

(Ok, now you can say your ironic, “Of course”)

All the cars? Their massive television?? The constant television watching?? The huge ass diamond?? The designer clothing?? The revolving UPS deliveries?

They took out a $400,000 mortgage on their 100-year old house and a $100,000 home equity loan before they moved to their new 6,000 square foot house.? They did the same there.

Last week, they declared bankruptcy and moved to the Florida Keys.

I guess that’s what you get when you work in the mortgage industy.

We used to be a little jealous of them.

• They completely remodeled their house while we stumble along one item at a time.
• They have five brand new cars while we have one car that we mostly don’t drive.? (We ride our bikes a lot.)
• They mostly didn’t work (hence the television watching) while we really work (mostly because we love what we do).
• Except for friends? They had every single thing you can think of.

If I could just rid myself of the value of paying things off, living with in my means, saving for the future, I too could live like our neighbors.

I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t tempted.

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Ok, I’m a native California. In fact, I’m a forth generation native Californian. Which is to say that I have seen a lot of plastic surgery in my life. Hell, there’s a woman who claims to have raised me but I don’t recognize her… at all.

Thursday Thirteen #7

Let’s face it. Plastic surgery is really getting out of hand. Here’s thirteen plastic surgeries that simply should not happen:

1. Butt implants:

I don’t think I need to add any comment here. Do you?

2. Over a D cup:

I know the saying is “the bigger the better” but really.
Only Bigfoot has hands big enough to even hold these babies.

3. Lip implants:

They cut open your lip and insert a permanent silicone pad. Ew.

4. Penis “extension” surgery:

“Penis extension is achieved by cutting the main ligaments that anchor the penis to the pubic bone. What this does is allow a part of the penis that usually resides inside the body to hang outside, making the penis seem about an inch longer. The two main cosmetic problems are that the erection will now shoot straight out rather than up, and the pubic hair covers the base of the newly exposed penis. This procedure is usually combined with another procedure that is sort of a reverse liposuction. Which, basically, adds fat to the penis to give it more girth. Surgery is costly and not covered by insurance.”

You will in fact be “well hung” as hanging is about all your new “larger” (and an inch hairier) penis will do.

If you are thinking about this surgery, here a suggestion. How about learning how to use what you have? Just a thought.

5. Chest and Facial hair:

Before: Fugly

2050 hair transplants later?
(Let’s say it together -OUCH!)

Still Fugly, a little hairier.

You are not kissing me with that nasty stubble. Not a chance.

6. Liposuction = Death:

According to one US study, liposuction has a higher than normal death rate at 19 out of 100,000 surgeries. For the sake of comparison, there are 16.1 fatalities per 100,000 automobile accidents. The accepted rate of death for elective surgery is 1 out of 100,000 surgeries. The study shows that most of these surgeries were done in a doctor’s office and not in a hospital.

7. Pec implants:

Dude. Whey protein. Trainer. Gym membership.
You look stupid with tiny arms and a “big” chest.

8. Hymenplasty:

What is the draw here? I can understand it if a girl has been raped or molested. I believe she is still a virgin. So if it’s important to her culture, this makes some sense. (The surgery is very popular in the Middle East.)

But come on… If you want to watch some of the freak show, watch this video. Getting a new hymen reinvigorated their relationship?? What??

9. Anything Jocelyn Wilderstein has had done:

I’d shoot the person who did this to me.

10. Abdominal etching: ‘k. Because eating whey protein, hiring a professional trainer, joining a gym and working out is too freakish, abdominal etching was invented. It’s lipo with a twist.

Pre-lipo – abdominal etching

Post-lipo – abdominal etching and $9,000 later.

Let’s be grateful that abdominal implants have yet to take off.

11. Vaginal reconstruction: (Also called Vaginoplasty.) Do people really not know that you can strengthen those muscles? Certainly Kegel exercises work. Leg squats. Bridges. The list is fairly long. I’d rather do a few exercises than have some pervert doctor stick a laser up my vagina.

Some people say they get this done because they do not like the aesthetics of their private parts. (If you watched the video in #8, you’ll hear a woman say she became depressed over it.) To them, I say, “GET A LIFE“. Use your plastic surgery money on a good therapist.

12. Pencil thin nose. Let’s play name that nose:

13. Collagen lips: Click here to see an entire gallery of nasty collagen lips. Here’s a few of my favorites:

A. Britney Spears

B. Jenna Jameson

C. Liz Hurley

The first person who guess all three of these will also win some honey. (Kelly won!)

Did you know that it hurts to have collagen injected in your lips and it can hurt for months? I have a friend who didn’t kiss her husband for six months because kissing hurt too much. You can see the priorities here.

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It occurs to me that if there was plastic surgery for the soul and personality, there would be little need for plastic surgery of the body.

What do you think?

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This comes from Betty in Cincinnati.

The post says:

“If you see this lady turning in clockwise you are using your right brain. If you see it the other way, you are using left brain. Some people do see both ways, but most people see it only one way.”

“If you try to see it the other way and if you do see, your IQ is above 160 which is almost a genius.”

What do you see??

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Did you know that there are thirty total conflicts going on in the world today? Here’s the list:

It’s common here in the United States to say, “I am against the war.” I always want to ask exactly which war people are against.

When you look at this list? Ask yourself: “How many of these wars are about oil?” (I count twelve – enough to give “oil conservation” new meaning, eh?)

You can make a difference! Here’s how:

• Conquer the violence in your own heart. Violence begins in our hearts and spreads to our neighbors, communities, cities, nations and the world. Work to conquer the violence against yourself, then against other people.
• Every abusive thing you think and say generates more violence and more war. Think about it. If prayers are thought, aren’t you praying for war?
• November 7th is blog peace day. The idea is to blog and post your peace globe on November 7, 2007. If you’d like to get your own globe, click here.
• Practice kindness. Use your words for kindness. Do one kind action in your day. Think kind thoughts. Try it.

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