On a limb with Claudia

Well, all right. I’m moderately interesting as long as there’s nothing good on TV.

I am not very good at talking about myself, so it’s interesting to me to see what questions people ask. These thoughtful questions is asked by Chani.

As I write these answers, I find myself wrestling with the desire to explain, explain, explain. Rather than do that, I just put the opinion out there.

1. You wrote a post in July about heroes. How has your definition of heroism changed over the years?

I grew up with heavy doses of Superman, Wonder Woman, the Lord of the Rings and the Twilight Zone. There were good people and bad people in those worlds. Heroes worked to keep the bad people at bay so that the good people could be triumphant.

I don’t believe in good people and bad people anymore.We are only human. Uniquely stupid and incapable, we aspire to be God while we try our best to simply get through another day. Human – not good, not bad – just human.

I refuse to cut someone out of my precious heart because I believe they are “bad”. It’s MY heart that gets injured.

I wrote about my current thoughts about heroes here.

2. What do you believe is the most important element of healing a broken relationship?

Acceptance of ourselves. I understand people because I understand what a complete jerk I can be.

I try to be kind.

I try to be gentle.

I try to be “good” even.

I fail over and over again.

I have a deep acceptance of my humanity and, so, it’s easier to accept other people’s humanity.

That said, I can be a real priss about manners.

You fuck up, you better apologize or I can only assume that the nasty comment, bad behavior, wicked look, rejection or whatever is par for the course for you. I don’t want to waste even one moment of my limited time on an adult who cannot behave well.

And when I say apologize, I don’t mean a blithe “Sorry”. Grow up and learn how to apologize.

Say “thank you”, “you’re welcome”, “excuse me”. It costs you nothing.

You would be amazed at what a little politeness and acceptance can do to any relationship, particularly a broken relationship.

3. You can choose one social justice issue to solve. Money is no object but you are the sole designer of the solution, although others can help you. What is the issue and what’s the solution?

This is a hard question for me because the premise of the words “social justice” imply right vs. wrong, have vs. have not and more importantly some sense that I know how things should work.

I don’t.

The phrase implies that life should be fair or just. It’s not.

Life is amazing, wonderful, absolutely incredible. I have so many blessings in my life that my pea brain and small body simply cannot understand them let alone appreciate them.

But life is not fair. It’s ridiculous to just something as large and incomprehensible as life by such a small standard as “fairness”.

And how would I know what was just? How would I know what was fair? I don’t have the perspective to understand what is just.

I’m human. I live in a body that can only detect a small range of light and sound. I can only breathe the air that surrounds me. Everything that happens is filtered through a brain that is molded through my personal experience, history and genetics.

If I manage to rise above my own needs, wants, issues, and petty concerns, it’s very unlikely that I will either see things correctly or interpret them correctly or even understand what is going on to determine what is just.

4. In a comment recently, you mentioned being a coach and a therapist. What is the philosophical underpinning of your work?

I think my answer in #3 says a lot.

My specialty is working with severe trauma survivors. For all my current wrestling with being a psychotherapist, I do love the work. I’ve met the most amazing people. And I laugh my ass off every single day.

My biggest underpinning? This is the “E” ticket. The human experience is about feeling, even pain and sorrow. Get over yourself so you can enjoy it.

We’d probably have to ask some of my clients to find out what they think my philosophy is… maybe I’ll do that.

5. What is the most important thing to you about your faith? How does it sustain you in your darkest times?

My darkest times…. Why are we so drawn to the dark?

The Southern Baptists and Evangelical folks believe that through faith they will get to heaven.But me?

I don’t need faith for that.

I experience heaven every day I am blessed to live on this planet. I only hope to be more present to experience more of the blessings this world has to offer.

In the darkest moments of my life, I did not have time or energy to think about faith. I was trying to survive. Every moment, every breath, every thought, every action was focused on simply getting through one more moment. Then all that energy was focused solely on crawling out of the hole.

What sustained me? I have no idea. By some miracle, when others didn’t, I survived.

And I’m so glad I did.

This is a great place, folks. I hope you get to see it some day.

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Dear little blonde “woman” with the four carat diamond ring,

I realize that it’s your first day at the gym with your husband. (I assume he’s your husband since you are wearing that little sparkler.)

But yes, I am in fact using (scrunch my nose like you did) ALL of these big weights. If you decide to pick them up again, I may pummel you with the fifty pound barbel… by accident, of course. (smile)

While we’re having this chat? Would you mind asking your husband to stop staring at my ass when you aren’t here? I’d just appreciate a little gym time without his eyes permanently glued to my behind.

Also, that guy you just took the bench press from? He’s a professional bodybuilder on steroids. You might not want to piss him off again. After all, your husband hyperventilated when you decided to use his bench. Of course you were oblivious.

Did they botox your brain too?? Or did the saline leak from the sacks on your chest?? I’m concerned.

Thanks for listening,

Signed,

That girl who almost killed you this morning.

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I love lingerie. I especially love expensive lingerie.

Thursday Thirteen #3

Here’s thirteen reasons why:

1. Secret. No one knows that you are wearing beautiful lacy panties except you. It’s like a special secret. I wear beautiful undies to the gym, to work, and just hanging out at home. And no one knows. Except, well you do… now.

2. Expert help. Expensive lingerie is only sold at boutique shops. My favorite place is SOL. It’s owned by a couple of wonderful, smart and sassy women. They are experts at bra fit. I know that sounds easy or stupid, but a great fitting comfortable bra is priceless.

3. You look great in a great fitting, fabulous bra.

4. Even a tomboy like me can be a little lacy. Expensive lace is beautiful and not itchy. I have these beautiful lace camisoles that I wear under shirts when we go dancing. If I get hot, I just take the shirt off showing a beautiful lace top. (Hey, some football quarterback tried to pick me up while I was wearing my black lace cami. I had no idea who he was until my husband fawned all over him. Go figure.)

5. Pick me up when I’m down. When I feel beaten down by life, I come home and put on one of my short nightgowns. I feel so much better wearing something soft, silky and beautiful. One is made by Vera Wang. I can wander around the house in a Vera Wang. Now that’s cool.

6. Did I mention lace panties?

7. You get to wear brands called “Prima Donna”. Yes, I’m a Prima Donna Girl. They are so beautiful and comfortable. Can you blame me??

8. They last forever. Like anything, you have to take care of it but expensive lingerie lasts years, even if you wear it a lot. I’ve had some pieces for years. They are still beautiful, wonderful and I love them!

9. Cheap lingerie can be fun. Every girl needs something that can be tugged on, ripped off, stretched and manipulated. Keep some of that cheesy Victoria Secret stuff around for that. I have a Mirale account for play wear.

10. Can you say etched silk?

If you haven’t seen etched silk, you need to. The roses are etched into the silk giving it an almost see-through effect. This outfit says, “Merry Christmas” in such a nice way.

11. The look. Ah come on. You know what I’m talking about. That look when your honey watches you walk from the bathroom or when you pull off your top to change into work out clothes. You might get the same look in cheesy cheap lingerie, but nothing says, ‘come ‘n get me’ better than expensive lingerie.

12. Guys! Listen up! You can go shopping for her. Most lingerie boutiques set up accounts for their clients. You can go in, buy what you like in her size, and surprise. Sure, she knows you just bought yourself a present. But what the hell? It’s beautiful and she’ll smile.

13. It’s about being your best you. Maybe you have small breasts and wide hips. Maybe you have large pendulous breasts. Maybe you’re somewhere in between or had a mastectomy or just had a child or just had breast surgery. Why not look your very best?? You think those models and actresses have perfect bodies?? Think again! They wear expensive well fitting undergarments. You deserve one expensive, beautiful bra to wear in secret to that stupid meeting where your boss tells you how dumb you are. Smile. You have something beautiful against your skin.

AND we didn’t even get to stockings, thigh highs, fishnets….

Sigh.

I love lingerie.

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I didn’t realize this was such a big deal but it turns out that some people aren’t sure if dogs have belly buttons.

After much negotiation, Rosie agreed to have a photo taken of her belly button so that you could take a look.

That my friends is a dog belly button.

Class dismissed.

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While I was going to graduate school, I worked at a Wilderness Outfitters in West Los Angeles.

One day, not long after Julia Roberts dumped him, Keifer Sutherland rolled up to the store on his Harley.

To say that he was drunk, is a gross understatement.  He was totaled, reeking,  completely smashed.

I’ve never seen someone so drunk and I grew up in a household of alcoholics!

He could barely stand, let alone walk.  He stumbled through the store with the manager at his side to make sure he didn’t knock things over.

His eyes were almost completely closed.  One eye was blackened and he had a scrape on his cheek.  His face was slack.

He could barely form words.

We debated whether to keep him in the store or call the police.  When he got wind of the conversation, he became belligerent, nasty and crude.

I mean, it was a Wilderness Outfitters.  Our store manager was six feet four inches and about three hundred pounds.  I’m five feet ten inches and everyone else was either big or a bad ass.  You think people who climb Mc Kinley are going to be put off by a little punk ass actor?

We threw him out of the store and called the cops.

That was almost fifteen years ago.

If you missed it, he received a DUI last night.  He was caught on video at YouTube a year or so ago stumbling in a bar in Los Angeles.

What is it going to take to get this man off the juice?

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Another brilliant comic by Hilary Price of Rhymes with Orange.

After achieving my goal of becoming the trophy wife, and actually meeting the naked neighbor (who is very nice), I decided I needed a new impossible goal for the fall.

I decided to decrease my percent fat.

It’s pretty easy for me to lose pounds, but to actually change my body composition has always been nearly impossible.  I once lost fifty pounds  – 2 pounds a week, lots of exercise, all the smart stuff – but never lost a percent fat.  I was the same percent fat only fifty pounds lighter.  Sigh.

For the next three months, I’m going to eat five times a day, eat 40% protein 40% carbs and 20% fat, and, sigh, bitch, moan, I’m going to get a wee bit more aerobic exercise.

That’s the plan.   That’s the new goal.

God, I hate aerobic exercise….

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Hey folks – A couple people have said that this site gets a little “wonky” sometimes.  I’ve updated the programs and the theme to see if I can correct that.  Please let me know as I cannot recreate what you see at home.

Cheers!

Claudia

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I am spending today (and tomorrow, and probably the next day and…) helping a friend move so pardon another meme so soon after Thursday.

Heart in San Francisco asked me the following questions. If you would like to be interviewed either shoot me an email or put it in the comments. I’ll get the questions to you tonight or tomorrow.

1. You have been made guru of a new belief system. State what you wish your followers to accomplish for themselves and the world.

I would encourage my followers to be kind and gentle to themselves. This includes learning to forgive themselves for their mistakes. If we were each a little kinder to ourselves, we would be kinder and more forgiving to others. In turn, we might accept ourselves and eventually accept others.

I also agree with Cesar Milan who says that the world would be a very different place if people ran with their dogs for an hour a day.

Accomplish exercise. Accomplish kindness first toward yourself. The rest would follow.

2. If you could meet someone who is no longer living, famous or not, whom would you choose and what would you ask that person?

Oh Gosh, there are so many.

I think if I had a chance I’d like to take a tour of the Paris Catacombs with Jean Paul Satre. The conversation would be intense, memory filled and long. Then maybe, we could settle down for crepe and discuss existentialism, infidelity, and what the hell is his problem with Camus.

Or maybe I’d spend a day laughing with Marilyn Monroe. I don’t think I’d ask her much, just try to keep her laughing.

Or a day with my ancestor from Northern Ireland Anna Maria. I’d ask her about the United Irishman and the crystal she stowed away in her socks.

Or Mohammed. Boy, there’s a lot of questions for me there, although I don’t know if he would speak with me.

Or my dog Rosie. If she could talk?

I could go on. I have a deep curiosity about the inner workings of people and creatures. There’s so little time in this life to learn and understand the deepest mystery – how do people work?

3. What do you consider the most important factors in living a holistic lifestyle?

Do something, every day, for yourself, your loved ones, and your environment. It doesn’t have to be big – recycle, reuse a bag, eat less meat, walk instead of drive. Even one thing a day will bring your life into whole balance over time.

And whole balance is the foundation of a holistic lifestyle.

4. If you were a fictional character, who would you be?

Thursday Next from Jasper Fforde’s series. She can walk into any book and become a character in that book. I would wrinkle in time with Meg, eat green eggs with Sam, strategize with Jason Bourne, smoke a pipe with Gandolf, have coffee with Mathew, play Quiddich with Harry, eat Po’ boy with Dave Robicheaux… Well, you get the picture.

5. Pretend you have a crystal ball and describe the circumstances of your life in five years.

The first three books in my book series are published and the series is beginning to gain market share. I’m not quite a best selling author (my goal) but I’m well on my way. My fabulous agent and I are talking to producers about making at least one movie.

I’m busy writing (where I’m happiest). I easily market myself and the books. I have a book contract for one book more then I’m renegotiating for another four for better money and better help.

I’m still in Denver working on with my bees. Rosie is older but still my constant companion. D. is mid-way in his Ph.D. program.

As a person, I continue to learn to communicate, to engage, and to understand. As I grow, my life expands to include things that are foreign, and unimaginable, to me now.

Interview rules:1. If you would like to participate, leave me a comment saying “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. Update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. Include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you ask them five questions.

If you request questions from me, please give me a few days so that I can personalize them.

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Growing up around schizophrenic alcoholics, I deeply value the truth. I really like honest people. I am very sensitive to the things people say that aren’t exactly lies but also aren’t the truth.

Thirteen things people say that mean something else.

Thursday Thirteen #3:

1. “Will you excuse me for a moment?” Actual meaning: I’m running away as fast as I possibly can.

2. “No you don’t look fat.” Actual meaning: I do not want to have an honest conversation with you because I won’t (a) get laid, (b) look as hot standing next to you, or (c) get another moment of peace.

3. “What a pretty baby.” Actual meaning: Your baby looks like a potato. Even the genetically blessed Shiloh Jolie Pitt looked like a potato when she was an infant.

4. “I don’t mind if you: smoke, fart, belch, swear, (fill in the blank).” Actual meaning: I’m going to judge you, write about you in my blog, post a video of your inappropriate behavior on YouTube and make fun of you behind your back. That’s Ok, right?

5. “I’m sorry, I have to take this call.” Actual meaning: (a) I’m trying to impress you by showing you how important I am, (b) You bore the crap out of me, or (c) My wife/husband/partner is on the phone.

6. “I’m sure you’re right.” Actual meaning: Please stop talking.

7. “I’m tired too.” Actual meaning: I’m tired of hearing this lame excuse.

8. “No officer, I didn’t drink tonight.” Actual meaning: I can’t tell I’m drunk. Why should you?

9. “I’ll do anything to keep my kids.” Actual meaning: I’ll do anything except get off drugs, stop seeing the man who molested them, stop beating them, quit drinking, get a job, (fill in the blank).

10. “How interesting!” Actual meaning: You are a complete idiot.

11. “We don’t need a condom.” Actual meaning: I don’t give a crap about you. If you catch something or get pregnant, it’s your problem.

12. “That? (pointing to: porn, drugs, girlfriend/boyfriend, fill in the blank) It’s not mine.” Actual meaning: I think you are an idiot.

13. “We should see a marriage counselor to work on our marriage.” Actual meaning: I’ve already filled out the divorce papers. I’m just looking for someone to drive the nails into this coffin.

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You’ve seen this email.  Naked pictures of Jessica Alba or Cameron Diaz or Scarlett Johansson or Courtney Cox or any starlet who you know wouldn’t ever take their clothes off for a camera.  I just erase the email, shake my head and move on.

What would you do if you received an email that said this:

Subject: Naked pictures of Claudia Christian.

WHAT?? Naked pictures of ME??
The text:

Claudia Christian naked sun bathing in her backyard. blah, link, blah.
WHAT???

I’m searching my memory for any time I ever bathed naked in my backyard – ANY backyard – EVER.

So I’m so stupid that this panic goes on for while.

I call my best friend.

I call my husband.

They respond to my freak out but don’t really understand what I’m saying.

“No, Claudia, you wouldn’t lay out naked in the backyard.  You just wouldn’t do it,” they both say.

Should I click the link??

NO

“Ok, I won’t,” I say, then hang up.

My hand hovers over the link.  I remind myself that my retina’s were burned by BS privates.  I tell myself that there’s just no way, no way this is about me.

I get up and wander around for a while.

So I google “Claudia Christian naked” and I get this.

Oh, right.

That girl.

I hate her.

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