On a limb with Claudia

Recently, I won the thoughtful blogger award from Heart in San Francisco. Now, I should have just posted the award and given it to any number of blogs that I read and love. But instead, I thought about it for a few days.

I realized that I didn’t want to give people a “thoughtful” award. I wanted to BLAME people.

Sometimes, I just hate being human.

I thought it would abate. Afterall, the first person that came to mind was Moobs. I wanted to blame him so bad…. and he was on vacation. You can’t really blame someone when they are gone right? That would be impolite.

Problem is? I STILL want to blame him.

So I invented my own award.

I award my newly minted blog award to:

Moobs: I blame Moobs for my new belly button piercing.

He made this comment: “So can you crack walnuts with your belly button?” and I thought, “Hey, I should get my belly button pierced.” You can clearly see the link of blame here.

Ex-Hooter Girl: I blame the ex-hooter girl for my new found interest in peep toe shoes.

Squirrelly: I blame Lone Grey Squirrel (aka Squirrelly) for my obsession with ice cream this summer. His avatar is eating a double scoop ice cream cone. Clearly, it’s his fault.

Nila: I blame Nila for brain washing me into thinking Pop Tarts are food.

Kevin: I blame Kevin for making me look at David Beckham naked. I would explain, but I think you can clearly understand that it’s his fault.

BroLo: I blame BroLo for all the Capuchin thoughts that creep into my head. Holy Crap! Christ on the Cross! Stuff like that.

If you aren’t included on this list, don’t worry.  I’m certain I’ll blame you for something soon.

If you’d like to blame a few people (and I know you do!), feel free to copy the picture to your blog and blame away.  You’ll feel so much better when you’re done!

Hey, feel free to blame me for a thing of two.  I promise you.  I deserve it!

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Last weekend, Rosie and D. went fishing. The usual order of things is that Rosie points the fish and D. catches them.

Can you see the fish she’s pointing at here?She also chases about a thousand sticks, swims and charms the boats full of rafters. It’s a fun outing for everyone involved.

Last weekend, she caught her own fish.

Here’s the story.

She was sitting on the bank pointing fish, when she fixated on a stick. The stick was stuck in some rocks near the middle of the river. She began to bark at the stick then pull on the stick.

D. looked over to see what was going on and laughed thinking she was trying to get the stick. He returned to fishing.

When he looked next, she had the stick in her mouth and there was a line on it. He looked at there was a fish on the end of the line.

Very happy with herself, she played a little chase with the stick, line and fish finally giving it up to D. The stick was tangled with line, hooks, sinkers and other junk people throw in rivers.

This beautiful fish got caught on a hook through it’s throat. While Colorado rivers are catch and release, this fish had worn itself out on the line and died right there on the rock.

Just a story about a fish and the dog who caught it all by herself.

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I read on Squirrelly’s blog that he stole an idea from Odat’s blog. These bright folks took a test to see what book they are like. Squirrelly?? Watership Down. Odat?? Lolita.

ME?

You’re The Hobbit!
by J.R.R. Tolkien
All you wanted was a nice cup of tea when some haggard crazy old man came into your life and told you it was time to do something with yourself. Now you’re all conflicted about whether to stick with your stay-at-home lifestyle or follow this crazy person into the wild. While you’re very short and a little furry, you seem to be surrounded by an even greater quantity of short folks lately. Try not to lose your ring, but keep its value in perspective!

I’m a short fat comfort seeking Hobbit. I’d write more about how insulted I am, but second breakfast is ready.1.

1.  In J. R. R. Tolkien’s book The Hobbit, second breakfast is one of the seven meals a day that well-fed hobbits will eat.

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I’ve decided to make it my goal to become a trophy wife.

Here’s my plan:

1. I’m growing my hair out, then I will color it blond or get highlights. (That is if I can stand the freakin’ hair dresser for two full hours every month.)

2. I’m investing in an expensive push up bra and adding those silicone fake breast things. I’d look at surgery but really I don’t think I’d be able to stand up straight if they were any larger.

3. I’m focusing on butt exercises at the gym (Up to two sets of 60 bridges, thank you very much.)

4. I’m wearing lip gloss.

5. I don’t tell people I graduated from UC Berkeley in Biochemistry any more. I tell people I didn’t go to college because I couldn’t finish high school… blink… blink… look how stupid I am…. stuff like that.

6. I’m taking up shopping as a hobby.

7. I’m wearing four inch heels.

8. I’ve been practicing: “I don’t know, hon, what do you think?”

9. I wag my hips when I walk.

10. “War? Is there a war going on?” or “President who?”

Of course, I haven’t told D. He’ll probably just notice on his own. He’ll think: “Look my wife of ten years is such a trophy” and stuff like that.

It could happen.

We all have to have goals.

Of course he sent me this from Rhymes with Orange:

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After our extensive Twizzler and Coffee research, we realized that there is an entire food category of “Inspired by Satan”. We thought it might be prudent to create a list of such foods, and food groups.

We are asking for your help to complete the list!
How do you know a food is inspired by Satan? 1.

1. It calls to you from the cabinet, the store, the shop.
2. It has no real nutritional value.

3. It can be left out for Satan’s anagram. (Oh come on! Santa?)

Please feel free to add to our definition.

The Food, inspired by Satan, list:

1. Twizzlers

2. Pop Tarts (click for creepy pop tart page)

3. Chocolate chips

4. Cinnabon or any cinnamon roll product.

5. Ice Cream

6. Potato + Grease: Crisps, chips, french fries, hash browns, deep fried tator tots, etc.

Please note that we did not include cigarettes, alcohol or caffeine because we know that these were invented by God as a way to test the very nature of human beings.

What’s on your list?

1. The word “Satan” means “adversity” in Hebrew. As in, the adversity created by either eating, or not eating, a Satan inspired food.

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“What are you doing?” D. asks looking over my shoulder at the computer screen.

“Looking at boy shorts.”

“Why?”

“Because the guys on the radio said they were sexier than any other kind of underwear. I want to be sexy! Don’t you want me to be sexy??”

“I don’t think they are sexy. Don’t I count?”

There’s a pause of silence as I ponder whether my husband’s opinion counts when determining what is sexy underwear.

“I didn’t think so,” he says and leaves the room.

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My head is permanently stuck on a very stupid song.  (Rihanna &
Sean Paul Break it off – You Tube).  In an effort to relieve my own brain numb, I took a gander at the Denver Post.

Man Accidentally Hangs Himself

This is a lovely piece of journalism.  The writer details the coroner response to: “how does someone accidentally hang himself?” (answer: ‘that’s not public record’). But then the eight-five marijuana plants on the premises kind of fill in a few blanks.

Now what story would you make up from these details?

Here’s what I came up with.

Man gets incredibly stone then decides to try autoerotic-asphyxiation.  He’s then too stoned to cut himself down, release the pressure, so he dies.

He was fifty eight years old! I thought people grew out of this kind of thing.  I guess not.

I can hear my inner capuchin saying, ‘he was someone’s father, brother, sibling, friend.’

He’s just some brain trust.

But then, I’ve been watching a lot of Dead Like Me to get ready for the straight to DVD series return.  Maybe it’s warped me a little bit.

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I was driving home from the gym this morning and heard this song – It’s business time by Flight of the Conchords. I had to pull over I was laughing so hard. I showed the video to D. this morning and he laughed. (The song is funnier than the video.)

You will laugh out loud. Check it out!

Happy Friday!

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While more data is needed to confirm our findings, we felt our preliminary findings were significant enough to release to the general public.

UPDATE: This morning we received data from several other sites which confirms our findings.  However, soymilk, non-dairy creamer and milk appear equal and a non-factor in the irritation outcome.

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