On a limb with Claudia

Ok, I went on vacation and forgot to tell you.

I could apologize with a large excuse that I assumed when the brochure said “free wireless internet” that it meant free wireless internet and not wireless internet for those of you who manage to find out the password by sleeping with the European guy in the office.

All right.? I made up the part about the European guy.

Anyway, I went to Winter Park for a week and was off line for the first time since 1996.

That parts actually true.

I’m back now.? Thanks for reading.

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Last week, I sent out a survey to enhance my awareness of what people in the First District of Colorado thought about the war in Iraq.? The response I received was incredible.? Thousands of people shared with me their thoughts, feelings, and deepest beliefs.? You were among them, and I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your comments.

On Friday, March 23rd, The U.S. House of Representatives passed H.R. 1591, the U.S.* Troop Readiness, Veterans? Health and Iraq Accountability Act*.? As you may already be aware, this critical legislation is designed to fully fund our troops ? including health care for returning veterans ? and finally set a timeline for a full military withdrawal from Iraq.

This legislation will spur the government of Iraq to take the lead in addressing the challenges of the Iraqi people.? It establishes benchmarks for the Iraqi government.? Failure to meet these benchmarks would result in accelerating the withdrawal of U.S. forces.? I voted for this legislation because it is a good-faith compromise that ensures the safety of our troops while definitively changing our course in Iraq.? I believe that this plan is the beginning of a strategy by which we can finally bring a responsible end to this irresponsible war.

Though H.R. 1591 did not address the issue, I strongly agree with the overwhelming majority of you who believe that President Bush must obtain congressional approval for any military action in Iran.? If the President tries to circumvent the constitution in this matter, I will fight to ensure that such action will not occur.

Thank you for participating in this critical debate.? Your input is truly important.? It was very helpful as I studied this issue, and made my decision.? I look forward to our continued communication.

Sincerely,

Diana DeGette

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My trainer said, “You have asthma.”

I said, “I do not.” And I laughed.

I mean really, what does he know?? He just turned thirty years old and I’ve lived in this body for… well a long time.? Asthma, bah.

“Talk to your doctor,” he said.

“About what?” I asked.

“Your asthma,” he replied.

I shrugged.? Why would I talk to the doctor about something that I don’t have? Ridiculous.

“What did your doctor say about your asthma?” My trainer asked a month later.
“What asthma?” I reply.

“Just talk to him,” he says.

“All right,” I reply.? I have to go see the doctor anyway.? I’ll mention it.? I’m sure he’ll laugh at the trainer and I’ll go on about my life.

“Your trainer says that you have asthma?” My doctor asks.

“Yeah,” I bluster.

“Huh,” the doctor replies.? “I can set you up for this test…”

I make an “ew” face.

“or you can try this medication.? If the medication works, you have asthma.”

I nod.

Guess what?

I have asthma.? In fact, I have probably always had some amount of asthma.? I don’t have any symptoms because I always feel like I can’t breathe.? I thought it was the altitude.? I thought it was because I was a pudge.
But it’s asthma.

I remembered that Joe Gold told me that I had trouble breathing about twenty years ago.

Yes, I coped to it to the trainer.? He said, “Asthma sucks.”

I’m just delighted to be able to breathe… for the first time in… a long life.

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I recently discovered Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous by Good Charlotte.? It has the awesome lyric:

“If money is such a problem, they’ve got mansions, think we should rob them.”

The video is a crack up too.

Of course, a certain celebrity is now out of rehab and wants her privacy.

I know I’ve said I feel sorry for her.? But now I think:

“Let’s give her what she wants.”

It’s time to ignore her.? I promise not to read about her, speak about her or write about her.
Maybe she’ll stop complaining….

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Janet Evanovich says that she eats a lot of Cheez Doodles.

I thought, “Damn, if I eat Cheez Doodles, I might be able to write a best seller.”

Instead, I got distracted and found this:

and decided that maybe the way to become a better writer is to write.

Not eat Cheez Doodle.

And I’ll do just that. Right after I wipe that orange crap off my hands.

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Can you do it?

I can’t.

I can’t look without flinching at the list of men and women who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan.

I don’t have the protection of feeling indignant (“This should not be happening”) or classism disguised as existentialism (“They made the choice”).? I don’t believe that there is a God that would have reasons for people to die in painful, awful ways to support inexplicable politicians and their policies.

I feel stupid and, to quote Nirvana, contagious. Helpless.? I feel too helpless to even form an opinion.

I flinch and pull away in pain.

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Let’s talk about St. Pat.

St. Patrick’s day is a major holiday here.? It’s when people “get their Irish” out.? (I have no idea what that means.)? You can drink copious quantities of green beer at any local bar.? There’s a parade and a few events for people to celebrate their Irish hyphen.

(blank) – American

All in celebration of the saint who threw the “snakes” out of Ireland.

Of course, those “snakes” were actually non-Christian Pagans and the like.? They were ethnically cleaned by a fanatical Catholic monk who burned alive, hung, tortured, and who knows what else, men, women and children.

Sounds familiar doesn’t it?

I thought everyone knew this.? But it turns out that after copious quantities of green beer, people actually believe that the Catholic church made this guy a saint because he removed reptiles from a small island.? It takes all kinds.

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Diana DeGette,the Democratic representative from Colorado, has asked for opinions on the war.? In fact, she encouraged people to share the link.
Here’s your chance!

Go to:? http://degette.congressnewsletter.net/mail/util.cfm?gpiv=1999957522.1055.57&gen=1

And let her know what you think!? Who knows?? It might help!

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Last weekend, Rocker Boy had a party.? He invited over 1,000 people – people he knew, people he didn’t know, friends of friends.? And he uninvited us.

Yep, that’s what happened.

Why did he uninvited us?? It’s a convoluted story involving a liar, a brother, $1,000 South Park rental, a lack communication skills, and a prejudice against Aquarians.? I would tell it but it’s not really worth the effort.? The end result is that out of more than 200 people, we would have made one person uncomfortable.

We’re that powerful.

Now, there’s over two hundred people wondering why we didn’t go to the party.? Afterall, we are good friends of Rocker Boy.? (So far, I’ve been asked five times.)
Rather than answer the question over two hundred consecutive times, I thought we could come up with reasons here on the blog.

My answer: “I had something better to do”.

What would you say?

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Ok, I’m bummed out about my bees.? In an effort to cheer me up, D. showed me David Hasselhoff’s new video, Jump in my car. And I had to share.

Ew.

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